With Married At First Sight’s sex-crazed groom quitting the experiment and resuming his search for 352, this program is able to get back to the pure foundations that made it a success in the first place — with C-word scandals and contestants dragging each other.
Finally, it’s safe to watch prime time television again.
And it’s less offensive than what’s going down over on Channel 7’s Dancing With The Stars tonight, where Grant Denyer is hip hop dancing to Ice Ice Baby.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
It’s time for another weekly commitment ceremony, where everyone decides if staying on this show is better than nine-to-five work.
Last time we saw Holly, she was being locked in a padded cell after Tex Wants Sex turned the group against her at the cocktail party. Since then, he has quit the show for good. And Holly is still the subject of a witch hunt.
Before the commitment ceremony, she approaches the other girls to ask why they all turned on her and sided with Andrew instead.
“I’ll be honest with you, babe,” Olivia — the once meek underdog who suddenly became the surprise mean girl — tells Holly in a cocky, matter-of-fact tone. “It’s not anything Andrew’s said about you that’s changed my perception of you — it’s what I’ve seen with my own two eyes that you do.”
She brings up last week’s commitment ceremony, where Holly basically got an eye cramp from making exasperated faces while Andrew spouted his offensive claims to the experts.
“The eye-rolling and the making faces while he was speaking — it just showed so much disrespect,” Olivia snips.
Holly is outraged by this feedback. So she does the only thing she can and rolls her eyes at Olivia.
We can tell this disagreement isn’t over. Partly because we have a sixth sense about this stuff. But mostly because we saw the TV promos of this episode and we know Holly and Olivia have a public clash.
At the commitment ceremony, Holly rehashes all the details and we’re too exhausted to hear it again.
“This has been a really emotional journey,” she wraps up. “ … And I actually wrote something down …”
She reaches into her pocket and starts unfolding pages of paper. Oh god. It’s always the worst/best when contestants write heartfelt speeches. It’s always so sad/hilarious.
“Not long ago, we were all single people in a room — going to extreme lengths to find love,” her voices quivers as the papers shake in her hands.
It’s around now we bust Olivia making faces.
Holly continues to crap on. She hams up the sniffles and stutters for the camera. That’s always been her downfall. Stop performing. Just finish reading your diary entry so we can laugh and do impressions of it in the ad break.
“I have been alone on this entire journey and I came into the room looking for support that I felt I’d earned. And I walked in the villain,” she reads. “I got attacked and you couldn’t see it. Instead, you judged me. This man went to such lengths to make me look bad. And he took my voice. And he silenced me. This is my voice and, believe me, I am here right now to speak for the people who in a relationship have been silenced and are not believed.”
It’s a moving speech. After hearing it, all the other contestants who villainised her probably feel terrib-
“Sorry, Holly, I’m just gonna jump in there,” Jackson calls out, promptly taking away Holly’s voice again. “There was a whole end of the table that was willing to listen to your side of the story — and we were trying to. It sounds like you’re saying something different to what you were saying to me last night.”
It’s weird. When we first met Jackson and Olivia, they were the dorky couple. But since then, they keep blindsiding us with sex confessions and brutal feedback. We had no idea they’d be this year’s horny confrontational couple.
Holly’s stunned at the ambush. And then Olivia joins in to drag her. Where is this attitude of hers coming from? It’s that classic new-relationship smugness.
“I watched Andrew last week sit on the couch and take accountability and not excuse himself and I watched Holly roll her eyes and pull faces,” Olivia states. “And then, again last night, I watched Holly ignore him when he came into the room and then very dramatically move her seat — so I don’t think Holly’s behaviour has been 100 per cent adult.”
Holly has nothing left in the tank. Two weeks of arguing with Andrew has left her emotionally and mentally drained. She turns to the experts and begs for some kind of backup.
“We wish you all the best,” expert Mel Schilling nods at Holly and gestures towards the door.
Now that two of the lunatics are officially axed, we’ve got a pep in our step. Oliva and Jackson, get up here!
We start giggling immediately because Olivia has no idea that the experts are gonna drag her for dragging Holly. Commence the dragging!
“You were very forceful and you were very intense,” Alessandra drags Olivia before making her apologise for dragging Holly.
Then Jackson catches us off guard by talking about all the sex toys he’s used with Olivia.
Ugh, guys, c’mon. Can’t we be a little more sophisticated? Go back to dragging people.
When it’s time for Samantha and Al to hit the couch, the night takes a serious turn. At first we think we’re gonna hear more of Al’s theories about food expiration dates but Samantha wants to raise an important issue.
It’s about the five minute kissing challenge they were given as part of sex week. Sam’s been saying she wants Al to kiss her more but when he tried to kiss her as part of the challenge, she didn’t like it — and now she’s annoyed because she’s only just found out that other contestants refused to do the task.
“I felt wildly uncomfortable and I said that during the task. I was like, ‘I need things in private to feel comfortable’,” she scrunches her face up in frustration.
Sex expert Alessandra steps in.
“OK, first things first — no one is ever supposed to do anything they don’t really want to do,” she says.
Okaaay... but... maybe inform the contestants of this before they’re presented with these formal challenges and surrounded by cameras?
Anyway, they both stay. And to prove she likes her husband, Sam draws a Stussy sign on her decision card.
We need to lighten the mood again. Ooh, let’s drag Mitch!
He dawdles up to the couch with Ella and the experts immediately scold him for what he said to Ella at last week’s dinner party and-
Oh, who cares.
We’ve tuned out because these commitment ceremonies are getting so repetitive. We don’t wanna rehash everything we’ve already seen and have the experts spout basic information we already know. Ask the couples something new! Mitch wore a turtleneck twice this week and tonight he’s wearing a weird clay-coloured ribbed tee. Get to the bottom of that.
Speaking of rehashing things, we’re treated to Round Two of Brent and Tamara’s argument about the TV volume. At first we thought it was about a TV show he was watching but now there are claims that music was also being played at the same time. It’s really hold-onto-your-seat viewing.
“He got so angry and screamed at me — it showed a huge lack of respect and my trust for Brent is very low,” Tamara races to tell the group.
Brent is stunned at the accusations. So he gets angry and screams again.
“She stood over me and called me a c**t!” he dobs to the experts.
Tamara gasps. “I didn’t stand over you and call you a c**t!”
“And then she told me to get f**ked!” Brent yells over his wife.
As all this plays out, we cut to John Aiken, who’s sitting there wondering if it’s too late to retrain in podiatry or sports medicine.
“That is complete fabrication of an argument,” Tamara screams about Brent’s claims.
Ooh, OK, Elle Woods.
“I swore in context,” she insists. “I didn’t call you a c**t.”
Channel 9’s censor is gonna have RSI after all the times they have to press the bleep button tonight.
Brent tells the experts he’s living in a dictatorship. “She wants me to go to bed at a certain time. She tells me when I should nap and how long I should nap for.”
Tamara screws up her face and interrupts. “He’s always complaining about being tired and I said maybe you should go to bed earlier.”
Brent cuts her off to object. “This whole week, my moods have been great.”
Mhhhm. Mmmhmmm. Interesting. Maybe because Tamara has been making you go to bed earlier?
Either way, consider yourself lucky. We wish Tamara made us go to bed earlier so we didn’t have to watch this.