Silly season is nigh. Whether the prospect whips you into a flurry of festive cheer or has you gearing up for an annual round of “Bah, humbuggery” – and most of us are in between – there’s plenty to see and do between now and year’s end. Without further ado, here is a very Melbourne Christmas guide with something in the stocking for everyone.

THEATRE

A Christmas Carol Why did Ebenezer Scrooge become the ultimate grinch? Well, to his mind, life was nothing but a permanent cost-of-living crisis: “What’s Christmastime,” he sneers, “but a time for paying bills without money – a time for finding yourself a year older, and not an hour richer.” Relatable. Matthew Wharcus’ production of A Christmas Carol will set budding Scrooges to rights. Now in its third year, it has established itself as a Melbourne Christmas tradition and the charming adaptation of Charles Dickens’ classic parable from Jack Thorne (Harry Potter and the Cursed Child) is a bell-ringing, carol-singing delight. There’s a new celebrity Scrooge every year – in 2022 David Wenham, last year Owen Teale from Game of Thrones – and Erik Thomson steps into the role this time. The Packed to the Rafters and All Saints star first came to wider attention as Hades on Hercules and Xena: Warrior Princess – with a larger-than-life mean streak that’ll be useful for playing Ebenezer before his de-Scroogification in this elegant and uplifting, family-friendly show. Comedy Theatre, November 22 to December 29.

F Christmas There are plenty of good reasons for ambivalence about Christmas – it’s a capitalist holiday devoted to conspicuous consumption, and for those without families or rejected by them, it can be an isolating time of year. Malthouse Theatre throws open its doors to subversive festivities with F Christmas, a variety show that welcomes every Christmas orphan or misfit or malcontent to the party. Devised by talented rabble-rousers Sarah Ward and Bec Matthews, it promises to be an all-inclusive Christmas special with comedy, circus and cabaret galore. Director Susie Dee will be in Mrs Claus mode, getting the explosive and anarchic talents of the ensemble – which features aerial elves, tap-dancing turkeys and carollers from hell – to burn the house down on schedule. Forget stocking fillers and decorating the tree. Trade them for wild surprises and glitter bombs of perverse hilarity as this eccentric found family saunters towards a camp Yuletide apocalypse. Malthouse, November 27 to December 15.

BALLET

The Nutcracker This story first cast its spell on me when I was seven, and the enchantments of this Christmas ballet are an unforgettable introduction to the magic of live performance. As young Clara steps into a world where toys come to life on Christmas night, a colourful fantasia unfolds through spectacular and virtuosic dance. Tchaikovsky’s transporting score is most famed for the tinkling tintinnabulations of the Sugar Plum Fairy, though there’s a battle against armies of mice, too. There are two options for watching this fabulous story: The Australian Ballet’s livestream from the Sydney Opera House on December 12 at 7.15pm or the full-dress production at Hamer Hall on December 18 to 20.

CONCERTS

Carols by Candlelight The 2024 line-up is still under wraps, but Vision Australia’s Carols by Candlelight is such an institution you can be sure the best and brightest stars regard it as an honour to sing at what has long been a premier carolling event. Its reach extends far beyond Melbourne and it is broadcast live on Nine (owner of this masthead) on Christmas Eve. Tickets sell quickly if you want to attend live, candle in hand, among the televised throng, so plan accordingly. Sidney Myer Music Bowl, December 24.

MSO Home Alone in Concert Film screenings with a live orchestra playing the score are popular year-round, and the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra has chosen Christmas favourite Home Alone to celebrate the holidays. Composed by the master of Hollywood scores John Williams, this one features a choir, and carolling and should keep conductor Nicholas Buc’s baton twirling with comic menace as young Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin) defends himself from a home invasion in this Christmas comedy classic. For children of a more classical bent, the MSO also has Classic Kids: A Symphonic Christmas, a 50-minute festival concert with familiar carols and festive music, on December 14, with a relaxed performance also available. Hamer Hall, December 5-7.

Merry Swiftmas Are you a Swiftie who failed to catch Tay Tay when she played the MCG and stopped the city in its tracks? Fear not. Merry Swiftmas promises the ultimate Taylor Swift tribute concert, and singing along is encouraged. It’s part of a lively festive season at the Athenaeum that takes in a musical parody of Love, Actually (December 6-23), and Christmas with Silvie Paladino (recently seen in Sunset Boulevard) backed by the Melbourne Opera Orchestra and choir (December 11). The Athenaeum, December 13-14.

ROYAL BOTANIC GARDENS

Melbourne’s Royal Botanic Gardens opens its gates over summer to al fresco films nightly by the lake at Moonlight Cinema. Outdoor productions of Shakespeare are also an annual event, with the Australian Shakespeare Company performing The Merry Wives of Windsor by night and the much-loved The Wind in the Willows by day (both from December 21). Take a picnic and enjoy.

CHRISTMAS MARKETS

Got stockings to fill? Christmas markets abound. The Queen Victoria Market is in full swing with its popular Summer Night Market (November 20 to March 12) every Wednesday, and Santa will be in attendance pre-Christmas. Over at the Melbourne Exhibition and Convention Centre, you can pick up an array of Christmas delicacies at the Good Food and Wine Show Christmas Market (December 6-8) and if you’re feeling particularly nerdy, there’s a Christmas edition of the pop culture and gaming convention Oz Comic Con on at Jeff’s Shed that weekend, too. At Federation Square, there’s a Christmas edition of the Boho Luxe Market at the Atrium (December 8) and you can celebrate Koorie Krismas on December 14 in a day of workshops, live performance, a market with Koorie arts and crafts and, of course, Koorie Klaus – a jolly fellow in red, yellow and black trim (the colours of the Aboriginal flag much more in the spirit of goodwill to all than red and white), didgeridoo in hand. Everywhere from the Sunday craft market along St Kilda Esplanade to large weekly produce markets at Preston or South Melbourne will be gearing up for their busiest season, too, as well as tucked-away alternatives, such as the bespoke Artist Christmas Market at Life’s Too Short Bar (December 14, 21), where you can pick up unusual bargains and support local creators.

FESTIVE CHEER IN THE CBD AND SURROUNDS

The Yarra is a great place to wander, with a Christmas carnival along its banks offering rides and funfair games (December 6-24), or you can stroll down to the Crown Christmas River Show (until December 25) and its spectacular water fountains, lasers and light projections. Stadium Square at Marvel Stadium is transforming into the Nth Pole, a free event with a 360-degree cinema and 18 AFL club-themed Christmas trees. More relaxed options include the bubble artists at The Christmas Bubble Show (Capitol Theatre, December 23-24) or any of the special Christmas film screenings, such as The Muppet Christmas Carol, at that venue. And it wouldn’t be a Melbourne festive season without the Myer Christmas windows. This is the 69th year the department store has dressed its windows in the Bourke Street Mall. For 2024, it has teamed with Australia Zoo and the Irwin family to create a magical encounter with wildlife through puppetry, lighting and mechanical genius, and despite a low-key opening, the display looks fabulous and continues in style what has become a traditional suburban pilgrimage for many families with young kids.

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