Hosier Lane is among the Melbourne attractions that were roasted by TripAdvisor reviewers. Picture: Jake Nowakowski

Thousands of reviews have been left for our city’s landmarks by visitors and locals alike —from the Yarra River being undrinkable to the MCG’s “silly” nickname, here are the most savage roastings on TripAdvisor.

MELBOURNE CRICKET GROUND

It’s the home of sport in Australia’s sporting capital but small serves of chips and er… sporting events left these MCG visitors unimpressed.

Marilyn A: “I was not impressed with this venue I found it rather boring but if you were into sports in a big way it would more than likely suit you. I did not visit by choice”

Cathy W: “Members enclosure is very good, but THE G is a silly name. The food prices are a disgrace and the quality and range is mediocre.”

Not even the MCG’s nickname was spared from ridicule. Picture: Tim CarrafaSource:Herald Sun

Tanisha M was left hungry at the G, writing: “If you want a big amount of chips DO NOT come here for them nearly 8 dollars for a size that looks like a child could have and still be hungry guess that’s what you get tho (sic) when coming to a place like this still nice chips but :)”

Amy L: “If you are like me and don’t find much enjoyment in sporting events then there’s not much point in coming to the MCG. If you like sport and want to see a match of some kind while visiting Melbourne then this is the place.”

NATIONAL GALLERY OF VICTORIA

In a similar vein to MCG visitors who complain about the legendary stadium’s focus on sport, this reviewer said the National Gallery of Victoria was “only for art lovers”.

Jigs R: “I do Like Museums, but somehow I didn’t enjoy this Art Museum. People Starring (sic) at a Patch of Red Color inside a frame. Weird...”

The iconic Twelve Apostles failed to impress this harsh critic.Source:Herald Sun

PORT CAMPBELL NATIONAL PARK/TWELVE APOSTLES

Millions of people journey on the scenic Great Ocean Road each year, but this traveller was clearly gunning for the destination, not the journey.

Fatih M: “It requires just too much effort to see this nice rock formation. Typically, this park includes the most attractive spots of the Great Ocean Road Tour of Melbourne.”

Vivrelife: “Weak. Don’t bother. For a few rocky stacks in the middle of a beach it’s honestly not bothering (sic) with, unless of course you’re a hard core geologist or don’t mind hoards (sic) of tourists cramming your viewfinder, overpriced icecreams and general mediocrity. At least there’s no visitor fee and there are toilets.”

SHRINE OF REMEMBRANCE

This Melbourne landmark started as our city’s solemn memorial to the men and women who served in WWI and now includes memorials to other conflicts, but this American tourist from Colorado only found something of interest in the ladies’ room.

Bonnie S wrote: “Not suitable for none (sic) nationals. Boring for out of country visitors. It has no meaning. Blah, boring except the signs in the bathrooms are interesting.”

The city’s Shrine of Remembrance commemorates the men and women who served in times of conflict. Picture: Hamish BlairSource:News Corp Australia

YARRA RIVER

We blame bad photoshop for creating these tourists’ unrealistic expectations. But seriously, how many capital cities have a river you can drink from?

mariamaria16: “its a brown river. well its water and its brown and it flows through most of Melbourne CBD. Not sure how much how much life is in this river”

G R: “What can you say about the river? It’s a river. It’s quite brown and I wouldn’t swim in it, nor drink the water in it. You could probably stare at it for a few mins, take a photo, and then move on.”

FEDERATION SQUARE

Love it or loathe it, Melbourne’s architecturally unique square has been a city icon since its controversial unveiling 15 years ago. It’s also divided users on TripAdvisor, and these visitors weren’t mincing their words in their reviews.

Ian M: “it is kind of Odd. Strange shape... all bent in the middle... difficult know what it exactly means… Not welcoming, not shady... all a bit edgy,, but why??”

ColinJamesMethod: “It’s a place your (sic) photograph and try and explain to your friends later.”

Ron 000001: “What drugs were the designers of this monstrosity on. Please whatever they were make sure no one else on the planet can get any of them”

VAChiliman: “Ugg Lea. If 85% of visitors to Federation Square “admire” the architecture, the surveys must count the numerous birds that “decorate” the buildings and surrounding grounds.”

Federation Square: Polarising Melburnians and tourists for 15 years and counting. Picture: Tony GoughSource:Herald Sun

Peter H: “Stalinist monstrosity in central Melbourne. I expected to find a statue of Lenin in the centre, but there was none. Neither were there any seats for decrepit old geezers like me. The brutalist style is echoed in the facades of the various buildings surrounding it. And I expected the “Dear Leader” to appear on the sinister giant VDU screen at the heart of the square. Surely this space is a pastiche of the famous Apple ad showing the zombies worshipping the PC. Very sinister and very ugly.”

Sidneiensis: They say beauty is only skin deep... But this place is ugly, through and through. Horrible atmosphere, very unimpressive. Were the architects on drugs? Consistently ranked amongst the Top 10 of the Ugliest Buildings in the World. The architects claim to have received hate letters when it opened - in this day and age! Not only did the people of Melbourne bother finding their contact addresses, but they even bothered paying postage, and god forbid, even went to the trouble of WRITING a hate letter!”

ROYAL BOTANIC GARDENS

The No. 1 thing to do in Melbourne was given a negative review by an angry visitor who was disappointed by the gardens’ safety precautions.

akcgsanm: “Was closed due to a fire. Poor rating is only because we didn’t actually enter the gardens as they were closed due to fires to buildings caused by a vandal and the gardens were a crime scene. Such a shame.”

This Melbourne tourist wasn’t a fan of Melbourne’s famed street art. Picture: Jake NowakowskiSource:Herald Sun

HOSIER LANE

ParisViewer: “A Visit the the (sic) Suburbia of Disturbia. I recommend not to waste your time going here.....no special artistry here....just vandal art! Depicts the mental disturbances of modern society.”

BLOCK ARCADE

Boncly007: “Why bother? This arcade is very small. Nice tiling. Odd shape. Ornate architecture. The good folk of Melbourne seem to think this is something special. They really need to get out more.”

ROD LAVER ARENA

Amy C, who visited in March, two months after the Australian Open had ended: “Not one inch of Aus Open blue, even in the box! It was so sad.”

MELBOURNE MUSEUM

Pauline M: “A big shiny building trying to be impressive with stuffed animals, stuck butterflies and rocks oh and some dodgy Aboriginal display.”

Most visitors are wowed by the historic Como House. Not this guy.Source:Herald Sun

COMO HOUSE

SE s: “This is an old big house .Nothing special. Not a tourist attraction. The house shows how the rich lived those days .You can give it a miss.”

EUREKA SKYDECK 88

Wazza67: “It’s still just a view of Melbourne city! Which at night does look good but during the day, it just looks like a city! I have been, I have seen, I wouldn’t waste my time or money to go again!”

MELBOURNE VISITOR CENTRE

Leif J: “No character. For us, this place has no beauty to it. Cold and boring building. Yes informative and functional, but boring.”

The verdict on the floral clock on St Kilda Rd.Source:Herald Sun

FLORAL CLOCK

Dara-Khmer: “Look at as you drive past. Its (sic) a clock in a garden. Its nice to look at for a fleeting second, but at the end of the day its a floral clock. Yawn”

VUE DE MONDE

“God I hate degustation menus and this one takes the cake. Plus they interrupt you every time they bring a course just to crap on about it. Anyway you can guess what it’s going to be anyway: a giant plate, a tiny bit of food and a splash of jus to fill things out. They’ll probably serve it with a glass of goddam viogner! I hate VDM.”

CITY CIRCLE TRAM

TSW42: “Great concept, some people also just want to get around the city. they need large modern trams for this route in addition to the heritage trams.”

OLD MELBOURNE GAOL

Alex_Vedernikov: “Extremely boring. All you can see is empty old walls and some old stuff.”

A “strong word” to rubbish collectors was apparently in need at this Melbourne hotel. Picture: Eugene HylandSource:Herald Sun

ADELPHI HOUSE

Justin M: “A night off from the kids, with dinner was spoiled by the early and noisy bins collection at 0500 hrs. Pointless having a night away to just get woken up early. Whilst one might say that it’s not their fault, I would argue that double glazing and a strong word to the bin men are perfectly reasonable.”

QUEEN VICTORIA MARKET

telford66: “What’s the fuss. Dull as dishwater! Give yourself a break and skip this glorified veg stall! A couple of mediocre cheese stalls and self important coffee sellers does not a tourist attraction make!”

DEGRAVES ST

Jolyon67: “A very overpriced and pretentious little laneway. You can get some obscure veggie, gluten free quinoa or whatever the latest trend is, but at highly inflated prices.”

CHIN CHIN

Byroninaviation: “What a waste of time could of (sic) went to noodle box which the food is better”

Originally published as ‘Don’t bother’: Tourists hated Melbourne