I’ve seen a lot of people asking over the past week for The Goose to be put in Smash Bros. I don’t know if that’s a very good idea.

I mean, I admire the passion! But you’re not thinking this through, for a number of reasons:

1) Pump your brakes. The internet can jump so hard and fast on things that it can squeeze all the joy out of them. Let the Goose breathe a little! The Goose is good and fun, but Goose is also a multiplatform release that’s been out for a week.

Waluigi would like a word about both those points.

2) Is Smash really the best game for The Goose? The Goose’s strengths are that it is a sneaky, scheming, malevolent force. Smash is a hectic, explosive, fast-paced exercise in shit-talking and fast reflexes. I don’t know how much of what makes The Goose so good and fun would translate well to Smash.

3) If you must ask the internet for The Goose to appear in Nintendo games, maybe Mario Kart or Mario Party are more appropriate? This may slightly undermine my above point, since they are both games that deviate from Goose Game’s core design, but they are also games for petty arseholes, and The Goose is an arsehole first and foremost.

4) You’re not thinking big enough! Asking for The Goose to appear in Smash is a reflex action, understandably born of a desire to see more Goose x Nintendo interaction, but we live in an age where Nintendo is letting Western developers get wild with its own IP (see Cadence of Hyrule).

I don’t want to see The Goose in Smash. I’ve constructed this entire post as an excuse to say I want the opposite. I want developers House House to be handed the keys to a Nintendo world/character and given the chance to work their magic with it.

Here’s my unsolicited pitch: imagine the hijinx of Untitled Goose Game... but it’s Waluigi, who now has the Mushroom Kingdom equivalent of a YouTube channel, and he’s lurking around pranking Mario and Luigi and Peach and Toad and everyone else, ruining their days, wrecking their shit.

Imagine his goofy big legs trying to sneak through Luigi’s house, putting a bucket of water over a doorframe then rubbing his hands with glee as he saunters out the back door.

Imagine hiding in the bushes as Toad walks past, carefully balancing a tray of birthday cupcakes, and at the perfect moment pressing a button not to HONK, but to WAAAAAAAAAAAAA. The cupcakes go flying, Toad shrieks, then cries, Waluigi jogs off twirling his moustache, laughing his arse off.

It would be the best. And everyone could stop asking for Walugi to be put in Smash because they’d realise that, like The Goose, he doesn’t need to be. He’d have his own place to shine.