Ah, the FIFA World Cup.

Football’s greatest show congregates every four years in a different nation and continent for a month-long show of passion and colour.

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It’s a celebration of the beautiful game, with the world’s best on show to prove which nation truly is the greatest on the planet.

But that’s not the only battle to be won at the World Cup.

The other, among several others, is the kits.

They say you have to look good to feel good and play good, so it’s up to the design boffins at Adidas, Nike, Puma and co. to come up with eye-catching designs for 32 nations to wear in Qatar.

Some have fans pressing the purchase button quicker than Kylian Mbappe tearing at opposing defenders for club and country, while others have had a spew bucket in close proximity, such are the eyesores produced.

With that said, here is the definitive, perfect, cannot-be-argued-with report card for every nation’s home and away kits for this year’s World Cup.

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GROUP A

Qatar

We begin our report card with our hosts for the tournament, Qatar.

The Gulf nation has kept it relatively (and by relatively, we mean extremely) simple for the home shirt. The maroon on their flag is represented on the shirt but apart from that, there’s not much else to write home about.

The away shirt is where things are spiced up ever so slightly. It looks like the shirt’s been dipped in liquid sand at various points. You can bet your bottom dollar Anakin Skywalker is going nowhere near this one.

HOME RATING: C

AWAY RATING: D+

Ecuador

Ecuador is back at the World Cup after missing out in 2018 and although they’ll look to make a splash in their on-field efforts, the kits don’t exactly scream of a triumphant return. Well, one kind of does.

Once again, the team is sponsored by local brand Marathon (and have been since 1996, a decent pub trivia fact for you) and they’ve kept things relatively simple on the home shirt but enjoy a bit of experimentation on the away.

The bright yellow home shirt has been a mainstay in the Ecuadorean’s kit history so that’s a given and the latest one isn’t going to offend. What you see is very much what you get.

As for the away kit, the design on the front is pretty darn cool and unique. It’s a winner for us.

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: B

Senegal

Well, well, well. We arrive at the first of the infamous Puma away shirt boxes for the World Cup.

But before we discuss the merits, or lack thereof, let’s chat about Senegal’s home shirt which is actually quite a tidy number. The green, yellow and red chevron is a classy element to the shirt with the colours extending to the sleeve cuffs and V-neck.

Now, onto the away shirt (cracks knuckles). Look, brands have to push the boat out sometimes and bring something different to the table. But the box in the middle of the shirt just ain’t it. It’s chaotic, it’s weird, it belongs on a training shirt.

HOME RATING: B-

AWAY RATING: D

Netherlands

Some may say that we missed the Netherlands at the 2018 World Cup, but did we really? Either way, the Dutch are back in action under the guidance of Louis Van Gaal, who led them to the semis in 2014. Will they do the same in these new kits?

The home is an interesting one. It’s orange, so that’s that box ticked. But it’s certainly a lighter tone than we’re used to. For those scratching their heads at the weird discolouration throughout, it’s supposedly because it is meant to resemble the fur of a lion. Yeah, I can’t see it. Nonetheless, it’s still a nice shirt.

For the away kit, it’s the first of many this year using the horrific Nike template. There’s just something about it that’s very off-putting and unfortunately for the Dutch, they fall into the category of ‘crap kit ruined by factors outside of their control’.

HOME RATING: B+

AWAY RATING: D

GROUP B

England

England have had a solid run with their kits of late and that trend has half-continued for the World Cup.

The home had such great potential, it really did. But the shoulder pattern down to the sleeves looks like a gradient you’d slap on to a slide in a PowerPoint presentation to make it look nice and fancy.

But the away, my oh my it’s a gorgeous number. It’s the best kit of the lot, there’s no doubt about it. The blue on the collar, Nike tick and the badge, the red, it just all goes perfectly. The image of inebriated adolescents of England running amok at various viewing parties wearing these is just too easy to conjure up.

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: A+

Iran

OK, so Iran’s kits aren’t going to win any awards and points are detracted for using the same design for the home and away. Yet it’s not the worst design to use in both shirts and if Castrol had their own football team, these kits would go nicely.

If we really wanted to get super nitpicky, the lack of symmetry on the shirts is ghastly. Why does the strip go from red to green, but on the shoulders, the colours are the opposite? Riddle me that!

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: C-

USA

The evil Nike template is back! Cover your eyes, kids!

For the land of stars and stripes, the lack of either is noticeable on the home shirt with only four (two on each sleeve) stripes visible. It’s boring and plain.

American fans could have saved hundreds of dollars on the away shirt if they just bought a USA patch and ironed it onto a tie dye shirt bought at a Willie Nelson concert.

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: D

Wales

It’s been a 64-year wait since Wales last had a World Cup kit to flaunt, but thanks to the brilliance of a bloke with a man-bun, they can do just that.

Perhaps the design team behind the Welsh home kit were fans of House Targaryen in Game of Thrones, as the shirt supposedly has a “fire-breathing” design, whatever that means. However, it’s a good shirt that Gareth Bale will inevitably score a screamer in.

Wales’ away kit is also a simple and tidy number that doesn’t rock the boat but doesn’t win any immediate awards.

HOME RATING: B-

AWAY RATING: C+

GROUP C

Argentina

The design brief for Argentina’s home shirt is simple: just get the blue and white stripes in, that’s all you have to do. Luckily for Adidas, they didn’t try and get funky with it at all and kept it clean. There isn’t much else to say, is there?

The away shirt for La Albiceleste is, well, a little crazier. The purple colourway, according to Adidas, represents “the quest for a fairer world” and gender equality — an important message to send, especially in Qatar. As for the flames? Well, that’s a nod to the national flag and the Sun of May. Argentinians will be hoping the players bring the same heat to their opponents.

HOME RATING: B

AWAY RATING: B+

Saudi Arabia

You can’t fault Nike from not straying too far away from the colours of the Saudi Arabian flag for their kits at the World Cup and it’s great to see them taking inspiration from Newcastle United’s third kit for the away. Wait, hold on, you mean to tell us it’s the other way around? Funny, that.

With some decadent palm leaves adorning the home shirt and a rather odd but supposed leaf-based pattern on the away, you have to wonder if the Saudi team have staff members who cool them down using giant leaves at half-time.

HOME RATING: C

AWAY RATING: D+

Mexico

Now this is a green-based kit worth talking about! The zigzag design on Mexico’s home shirt is meant to represent the feathered headdress of Quetzalcoatl, an Aztec deity that resembled a feathered serpent. It’s a funky and cool design that certainly catches the eye.

But the away shirt outdoes the home by some margin. According to Adidas, the design mixes Mixtec art and Aztec deities “to summon the fighting spirit required to rule the soccer world”. Blimey. Well, with Quetzalcoatl making a return on the shirt on the inside of the collar too, who knows what Mexico will conjure up in Qatar.

HOME RATING: B+

AWAY RATING: A

Poland

Poland will look to upset the apple cart in Qatar and they’ll be doing it in two tidy jerseys.

The graphic on the sleeves and shoulders of the home shirt are said to resemble the nest and feathers of a white eagle, the animal on Poland’s coat of arms. Whether Robert Lewandowski spreads his wings and bags goal after goal remains to be seen.

There’s no special designs to speak of on the away shirt, but it’s still a classy number and hard to point out any flaws.

HOME RATING: C+

AWAY RATING: B

GROUP D

France

There wasn’t going to be much change in the home shirt, was there? A delightful navy number with gold tinges on the kit to remind us all who’s in Qatar as the defending champs, even if a fair chunk of their stars might not be there. It’s rather chic.

On the away shirt, there’s just a few extra details. For starters, the Gallic rooster looks as if it’s been painted on with different brushstrokes. Plus a number of various moments and locations, such as the Arc de Triomphe and fabled French football academy Clairefontaine, are included in the design. There’s a fair bit going on but it just blends in nicely.

It’s a shame that the players wearing it will be tormented constantly by the Aussies for 90 minutes.

HOME RATING: B

AWAY RATING: B+

Australia

White socks are back! White socks are back! Even if you can’t see it in the picture, white socks are back. Tell your friends, all of them. But back to the home shirt, it’s a quality shirt with a design, according to Nike, based on the “iconic Golden Wattle flower” and captures the “adventurous nature” of us Aussies. However, we view it as a watered-down version of the infamous spew kit and we are so here for it.

Unfortunately, the away kit doesn’t quite measure up at all. For the talk of it being inspired by “the vivid sea”, it reeks of just slapping two colours together on that gharish Nike template. One from two isn’t a bad strike rate though!

HOME RATING: A

AWAY RATING: D

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Denmark

Danish kit supplier Hummel designed Denmark’s toned-down kits “as a protest against Qatar and its human rights record”, stating the company “don’t wish to be visible during a tournament that cost thousands of people their lives.”

It’s an extremely bold and brave stance to make, especially when there will be billions of eyeballs on the tournament.

For the eagle-eyed fans, the Danish kit designs are also an homage to the famous 1992 Euro’s team that qualified thanks to Yugoslavia’s disqualification and went on to win the title.

Perhaps the kits are altered slightly after the World Cup, but either way, you can’t hate on these.

HOME RATING: B+

AWAY RATING: B+

Tunisia

At first glance, the graphics on Tunisia’s home and away shirt are a bit odd. But upon further research, it is based on the armour of legendary Carthaginian military commander Hannibal. For those who battle with geography or are simply too lazy to Google it, Carthage is in Tunisia.

Although Hannibal went down in history for his military tactics, it remains to be seen if Tunisian manager Jalel Kadri can lead his team to such heroics.

OK, back to the kits. The graphic is cool, but the rest of the shirts are pretty bland.

HOME RATING: C+

AWAY RATING: C+

GROUP E

Spain

There’s just something about Adidas producing Spain kits. Classy, regal designs worthy of a team that play classy, regal football.

The home, unsurprisingly, is red. But it’s a shade of red that screams elegance. Don’t ask why or how, just accept it as thus.

Adidas pushed the boat out a little bit on the away with a light blue number with a design that you’ve probably seen before on the carpet at a coastal town’s RSL. It has a bit of a 70s retro feel about it but it works very well.

HOME RATING: A-

AWAY RATING: A

Costa Rica

What you see is very much what you get with Costa Rica’s World Cup kits. Are they memorable? Not exactly. But are they horror shows? No they are not. Is there much else to say?

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: C-

Germany

Right, so the German kits have received somewhat mixed reviews upon their initial release.

Sure, the home shirt looks just like a piano key has been slapped on in the middle. But Adidas say it’s a throwback to Germany’s first-ever kit in 1908 and a quick trip down memory lane proves just as much, albeit with a notably smaller black stripe. Selfishly, a central crest is always going to be a winner too. It’s a cracker.

Germany’s away shirt continues their interesting trend of having red at every second World Cup since 2006, with the graphic said to represent the letter ‘D’ for Deutschland. Patriotism!

HOME RATING: A

AWAY RATING: C+

Japan

Every World Cup, every damn World Cup Japan lead the way on the kit front. The best shirt at the tournament has almost became an unwinnable accomplishment whenever Japan qualify.

On the home, you’ll notice a certain pattern. It’s a three-legged origami crow — the bird on the Japanese federation’s crest. And although the Japanese legend says if you create 1000 origami cranes you get granted a wish, surely the same can apply for 1000 three-legged origami crows?

If the home shirt wasn’t sleek enough, well let’s just hope you’ve brought your 3D glasses to view the away. A clean white kit with a 3D pattern on the sleeves, it’s just so good it isn’t even fair.

HOME RATING: A+

AWAY RATING: A+

GROUP F

Belgium

Someone at the Belgian FA must have seen a tweet stating “Kevin De Bruyne’s on fire”, such is his cracking form for Manchester City, and thought to themselves, ‘That’s cool … but what if he actually was on fire?’

Those dreams turned to reality as Belgium’s home kit has flames on the sleeves, because there’s nothing cooler in 2022 than flames. While we’re at it, why don’t the players just walk out for kick-off with a Hot Wheels toy car?

Things get even weirder on the Belgian’s away shirt, which is inspired by electronic music festival Tomorrowland. A rogue link indeed and one that really should have remained a thought rather than reality.

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: D+

Canada

There’s running out of ideas, and then there’s Nike’s effort for Canada’s World Cup kits.

For the first time in 36 years, the Canadians are back at football’s big dance and they’ll be decked out in what are evidently the worst jerseys by several lengths.

They’re boring, they’re plain and they’re just straight-up awful. At least the red home shirt has some semblance of design on the sleeves, but the away? Come on, Nike. At least look like you’re putting in effort.

HOME RATING: F

AWAY RATING: F

Morocco

Well, Puma has just about ripped off Lazio’s 1998/99 home shirt, swapped out the blue and black for red and green, then told Morocco that it’s their new home shirt. In fairness though, it actually works kind of nicely, even if the colours are rather striking.

Oh dear, the Puma circle/box of death is back on the away shirt (and not for the last time!) It’s not Morocco’s fault as they are unfortunately collateral damage in some Puma designer’s grand idea, but it’s just simply not good. The worst part is that without it, it’s actually a decent bit of kit.

HOME RATING: B-

AWAY RATING: D

Croatia

Croatia will be hoping to go one step further than they did in 2018 and they’ll be doing it in unique style.

The designer clearly fell asleep at the computer when creating the home shirt and forgot to fill in the rest of the front with red squares, but in a weird way, it actually works. Extra points for a centralised badge too.

The away shirt looks like whatever visual comes on screen when the Millennium Falcon hits warp speed. Or what winger Ivan Perisic sees when he’s flying down the wing. Pretty much the same thing, right?

HOME RATING: B

AWAY RATING: B-

GROUP G

Brazil

Animal-inspired jerseys seems to one of the overriding themes for Qatar and Brazil’s home and away shirts are no different.

The Selecao will hunt for a record-breaking sixth World Cup trophy and they’ll do it wearing shirts inspired by the fur of a jaguar, one of the most iconic critters strolling through the Amazon and the largest species of cat in the Americas.

It’s a little hard to see to the naked eye on the home kit, which looks like a classic regardless.

But boy is it clear as day on the sleeves of the away in the form of a gradient, lime-green pattern. It’s certainly a different look.

HOME RATING: B

AWAY RATING: A-

Serbia

Manifesting your dreams is always a great idea and that’s what Serbia are clearly attempting to do here with gold details on their home and away kits.

But the home looks something you’d pick up for a tenner at Paddy’s Markets and as for the away, let’s just not even mention the return of the Puma number box.

HOME RATING: C-

AWAY RATING: D+

Switzerland

Talk about a disparity in kits.

If you said Switzerland’s home kit was just one from the 80s but with their modern badges slapped on top, you’d have had me fooled. It’s a sleek, retro look and it’s hard not to love it.

Of all the Puma away stinkers, this might actually be the worst of the lot. Put simply, it’s a glorified training kit. No more needs to be said.

HOME RATING: A-

AWAY RATING: D-

Cameroon

Cameroon should just return to the 2002 African Cup of Nations sleeveless kit or the 2004 AFCON onesie, anything else is simply inferior.

These latest efforts from One All Sports look incredibly cheap and cobbled together and that’s probably because they were.

Cameroon severed ties with previous kit supplier Le Coq Sportif in July this year and struck a deal with One All Sports just one month later.

The results are less than stellar.

HOME RATING: D

AWAY RATING: D

GROUP H

Portugal

If ever there’s been a Portugal kit that makes it just so simple to picture Cristiano Ronaldo throwing his hands up in the air in frustration, it’s got to be this. And that might just be from looking at the jerseys and not from his teammates not passing him the ball.

Splitting a shirt in half rarely looks good and doing so in a diagonal line certainly doesn’t change that. A rare howler on Nike’s end.

Granted, the lack of symmetry on the away is meant to represent the Portuguese flag which has more red than green. But it just looks off with the white backdrop.

HOME RATING: D

AWAY RATING: D+

Ghana

If you weren’t aware that the Ghanaian national team’s nickname is the Black Stars, well the black star on the home shirt should go some way to helping you add that to your list of fun football facts.

It’s a clean kit from Puma for Ghana’s home shirt and the colours of the flag on the sleeve cuffs are a cool touch.

Of all the ghastly away shirts produced by Puma, Ghana is certainly up there with the best of the worst. The only comfort I can take in it is that the number box has an intricate design on top. Oh, and the flag colours on the sleeve cuffs return.

HOME RATING: B

AWAY RATING: C-

Uruguay

Someone could say Uruguay have had the same home kit at the World Cup for the past three tournaments and there would undoubtedly be a few people who would genuinely believe you.

But at the end of the day, who’s going to argue when they’re always a classy kit? The button, the gold touches, it’s just hard not to like it. Whether it’s a good shirt to bite people in remains to be seen, but let’s just wait for Luis Suarez’s review before we make any final calls.

The away shirt could have been ridiculously good if the badges stayed right where they were and there was no silly little Puma number box. But we can’t have nice things in this world, can we?

HOME RATING: B+

AWAY RATING: C-

South Korea

Oh boy, more feline motifs.

South Korea, nicknamed the ‘Tigers of Asia’, have looked to take the moniker to the next level in their home kit with a tiger-stripe sleeve pattern. Add that with a classy-looking collar and South Korea have got themselves a cracker of a home shirt.

The away is different, but a good different at that. The marketing release for the shirt claims the bold design is meant to highlight Taegeuk, the symbol in the middle of their national flag. Yet that symbol is made up of only red and blue, which leaves one to wonder: what on earth is the yellow doing there? It really does look like a design you’d see on the local bus, yet it works perfectly. Don’t ask why.

HOME RATING: A-

AWAY RATING: B+