There’s much ado at present about the editing and republishing of works by literary extremist Roald Dahl. Some of Dahl’s most infamous works are being rewritten to make them acceptable to the sensitivities of the enlightened, modern world we find ourselves in.

It’s only right and good that the works of radicals like Dahl are refined to dampen the harmful impact of their archaic notions on children. For too long works like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach have been corrupting the minds of children the world over.

The fracas over Dahl’s work prompted me to check the content of my nine-year-old daughter’s bookshelf, to make sure there were no similarly subversive and potentially damaging works. I was astounded at the offensive filth we had so innocently allowed our daughter to collect over the years. I wept for my failure as a parent, allowing such destructive concepts, camouflaged by notions of care-free fun, to infest my child’s world.

Here then, is a sample of some of the books I found that should be immediately banned or heavily censored to protect our children from ideas that have no place in modern society.

The Cat in the Hat, Dr Seuss: promotes an invasive domestic species responsible for devastating Australia’s natural fauna. Could be revised as Quokka in the Hat.

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Goodnight Moon, Margaret Wise Brown: singling out the moon to say “goodnight” to while ignoring other planets and planetoids in the solar system promotes an anti-inclusion agenda.

Possum Magic, Mem Fox: introduces children to pagan religious practices encouraging participation in the occult and Magic: the Gathering.

Green Eggs and Ham, by serial offender Dr Seuss: protagonist attempts to force-feed meat and poultry produce to an individual who obviously identifies as vegan, until the victim finally succumbs to the torturous advances. The fact that the victim finds they actually enjoy the animal products is irrelevant. Could be revised to Green Tofu and Plant-Based Spam.