Isn’t that the simplest answer to “where is Kate?”

Secondly, not one of the theories – that she is in a coma, having marital problems, furious with William for having an affair, in another country, had plastic surgery – even a Brazilian butt lift – is in fact dead, or that her father-in-law, the King, is actually the one who is dead – is supported by a single piece of evidence. Not one. It is the purest, the most gossamer-thin speculation, spun of air. As Stephan Lewandowsky, professor of cognitive psychology at the University of Bristol, who studies the spread of myths and misinformation, told the Guardian: “One of the issues is … feedback loops, where the fact that a lot of people believe it then gives other people reason to believe things. And then all of a sudden, just because everybody else is believing it, people will say, there has to be some truth to that because my neighbour believes it. It feeds on itself.”

Even academics have become swept up, with Daniel Jolley, a British assistant psychology professor, claiming people find this story particularly entertaining.

“It feels like you’re in a movie, with you as the investigator. That sleuthing element – ooh, could they or couldn’t they? That’s kind of exciting … And in the context of economic inequality, which can breed anomie — the idea of societies crumbling – it all feels that this is possible.” It’s a fun-time frenzy!

Third, do we really expect the royal family to discontinue the centuries of propaganda and spin they have long employed to burnish their image and public standing? Is use of Photoshop really heinous? I admit it’s weird, as the motivation for Photoshopping a family portrait in myriad minor ways – as Kate said she did – is not readily apparent, unless it is as simple as an amateur photographer playing with one of the most common tools of the trade: Photoshop.

In decades, and eras past, kings and queens did not need such editing tools as they could simply pressure artists to produce flattering portraits of them by tweaking the negatives. There is of course Queen Victoria, who thought herself unattractive, eschewed corsets and did not waste time on grooming (while physically worshipping her eye-pleasing husband), and ensured portraitists made her look leaner, while simultaneously plumping up curves, smoothing her face and making her hair more lustrous.

Like a Kardashian might.

As the Washington Post points out, famed royal photographer Cecil Beaton consistently retouched photos, erasing wrinkles from the Duke of Kent in 1941, on the cusp of his 40th birthday. Beaton’s tweaking could be so enthusiastic that sometimes he needed to be restrained – by, for example, the Queen Mother (Elizabeth II’s mum) who insisted she “hadn’t been entirely untouched by the passing of years” and instructed him not to abandon his efforts to make her seem younger, but to tone them down. Her double chin was smoothed, but not entirely removed.

I agree the royals seem to have made a hash of this particular drama. Their official statement said they would only be providing updates on Middleton’s status “when there is significant new information to share” instead of even just saying “the operation went well” or “the princess is tired but recovering”. Their approach, whilst historically effective, has rendered this ancient family impotent when dealing with a modern global conspiracy-storm, like the bushfires that are so dry and wild that they create their own weather, forming huge smoke plumes called “flammagenitus” or pyrocumulonimbus clouds in the air, higher than the fires, churning with their own turbulence, creating their own atmosphere, unfettered by what is happening on the ground.

*Perhaps I’ll have to eat my words when it’s discovered she has been kidnapped by aliens, and sleuths spot wires sprouting out of the neck of the robot created to replace her. But it seems to me more likely that this is just the age we live in now, one of tech-driven firestorms in the air that can seemingly spark in an instant, spread across the sky and crackle with menace as we stand below, staring up, wondering.

Julia Baird is a journalist, author and regular columnist. Her latest book is Bright Shining: how grace changes everything.