It’s hard to exist in the modern world. Every day we must reckon with an endless stream of conundrums. What is the speed-distance-time ratio to determine how long you should hold the elevator door open for someone? Can you use a sliver of your colleague’s nut butter blend from the office fridge? Was Robert Oppenheimer a good or a bad person?

Cowboy John Wayne once said, “There’s right and there’s wrong. Y’gotta do one or the other, do the other and you may be walking around, but you’re dead as a beaver hat”. To avoid being beaver hats, we sought relief from those rare beings who definitely have it all figured out. Five comedians rose to the occasion, delivering some real talk on some real tricky situations.

My partner claims they don’t like the taste of onion, but I’ve been sneaking it into every meal. They’ve never noticed, and seem to enjoy the dishes most when they have onion in them. Should I tell them they actually do like the taste of onion?

Hi, thanks so much for writing in.

The lengths you’ve gone to prove your partner wrong speaks volumes about you and your relationship. In response to learning that your partner disliked onions, it’s fascinating that you decided to Trojan horse all their meals with said root vegetable. Now I’m not here to judge. Leave that for the courts. I’m here to advise.

You’ve already gone and done the crime, and now you’re asking if you should fess up. To answer your question, yes – but it’s not enough to tell them they like onions. You need to show them.

Continue to sneak in onions in every meal. Blend sautéed onions into their pumpkin soup or make an onion gravy to go with their steak, and don’t be afraid to be creative! Mix two teaspoons of onion powder with five tablespoons of sugar and powder into their next bowl of ice cream. Now you’re thinking, “Mate, I’ve already been doing this.” Yes, but there’s an additional step: Film it. Film it all.

Film every instance you’ve snuck onion in its various forms into their food, making sure you show the camera what you’re doing. Don’t forget to film yourself cooking the next onion-filled meal you serve to your partner. Right after they lick their plate clean and say how delicious it was, suggest going over to the couch and watching a show. As you sit down, bring up the onions again, and bait them into saying, “I hate onions.” You’ll respond with something like, “Oh yeah? Fair enough.” Then say, “Hey I’ve got the perfect thing to watch!” This is when you strike. Play the video off the TV. Not off your phone because the bigger, the better. After the video ends, and the room fills with a tense silence, whisper in their ear, “I guess you don’t really hate onions after all.” Then leave the room.

Also, as an addition, film their reaction to discovering they’ve been scoffing kilos of onions for the past two weeks. You can play it at your next anniversary for fun, though I highly doubt there’ll be another anniversary after this.

Harry Jun is a comedian, cartoonist and host of ABC Gamer and the Say Kimchi podcast.

I was recently invited to a costume party, but I chose not to dress up. The host later photoshopped me out of all photographs from the night because they said I ruined the aesthetic of their party – and they won’t provide me with the original images either. Have they gone too far?

Dear Reader,

Sorry, but I think this one is on you – you made yourself the villain of this story the moment you decided not to wear a costume. At a costume party, part of the deal is that you show up in costume. A costume party without costumes is like a baby shower without the impending appearance of a human baby. Without this context, it’s just a group of women standing around licking melted chocolate off nappies – which is, objectively, really weird. Similarly, it’s objectively really weird to walk around dressed as Elvis, but if everyone else is dressed in a 1950s theme, then it’s OK! Do you get my drift?

By not wearing a costume, you are making a political statement. You are saying, “I don’t respect this party”, and you are also saying: “I hate having fun”. It is low-effort behaviour that does not deserve to be rewarded. Who wants to remember the night they had with Princess Leia, Hans Solo and A Random Guy in a Jeans and T-shirt? I am sorry you were photoshopped out of all the photos, but if it’s any consolation, it really did sound like you were ruining them.

Look, if you really want to take revenge on the host, maybe consider using photoshop to your advantage. Crop the individual host out of their party pictures, and put them in inappropriate places. Nobody wants to see Austin Powers at a funeral or somewhere like … North Korea. But I don’t know – that might require a significant amount of effort. You could have just saved yourself the trouble by dressing in costume in the first place.

Nina Oyama is a comedian, writer and actress who has starred in Utopia, Deadloch and Taskmaster Australia.

I’ve developed an interest in marine life, and have purchased three tanks. My housemates said I can’t keep them in the shared living room. Why is it fine for them to keep their record collections, exercise bike and plants there, but my tropical fish are not allowed?

You know those finance bros with three monitors? Just put a keyboard in front of the tanks and pretend you’re a day trader with an aquarium screensaver. Wear a Patagonia jacket while riding the peloton and if your housemates walk in yell, “I’ll circle back to you” into a Bluetooth headset.

It’s no less obnoxious than the type of gentrified hipster who sips almond piccolos but keeps their records in a milk crate. A nostalgic reminder of a time when everyone drank dairy and listened to honky tonk. A record crate is just a redundant container giving an open casket funeral to a dead industry. That’s why I think you should cremate their collection and use the ashes to scrawl an obituary to vinyl on the wall of his room.

This sentient moustache thinks he can colonise the soundscape with a hootenanny and deprive you of watching a clownfish flourish. I hate to tell you, but you’ve been disrespected, and the only solution is revenge. Every time you leave the house you should sublet your room to a backpacker. Even if you’re just taking the bins out. You make 50¢ and Julio gets to peruse your copy of Moby Dick while taking a shit. Put the pariah into piranha.

Dan Rath is a comedian whose latest show is Pariah Carey.

My partner and I have been together for a year and we’re going on our first overseas trip together to England. We want to sit together on the plane, but can only afford economy seats. I’m more comfortable travelling business. Is it such a big deal if I buy my own ticket?

OK, firstly, business class? Flex. We’re definitely in different tax brackets. Before I start, know that my longest relationship lasted a year, so if you heed my wise words carefully, this will lead to a breakup. That having been said … I think you should break up with the economy of this person. Yup, I said it. And if you’re like, “Jenny, I really want to make this work! Maybe I’ll just ask for the exit row?” hear me out. Let’s ask ourselves some questions:

1. How much do you care about this person? You’re buying yourself the business class ticket and not getting one for them?! Either they don’t matter or you’re an extremely wealthy sociopath.
2. How much are you willing to compromise? This isn’t just a long-haul flight – you two will be in it for the long haul for the rest of your lives. Will you be happy going on dates to burger joints instead of Michelin-star restaurants? Would you prefer a proposal in a lavish castle or under a bridge like a troll? Your choice.
3. Are they hot? I’d take a hottie in economy over an uggo in business class any day. How strong is their face card? I’d say, minimum, it has to be on par with a Zara model to give up that lounge access.

Final thoughts: if you want to make it work, cop it and take the economy ticket. But if you love business class more than your partner, then ding, ding! Incompatible. And one final consideration: Have you already bought your business class ticket? Because if you end up flying economy, I’d love a trip to England.

Jenny Tian has appeared on Celebrity Letters and Numbers and triple J, has a TikTok series called Coach Dayum and co-hosts The Parasocial Social Club podcast.

My landlord recently put the rent up by $250 a week. Given how much I am now paying for a property that was worth half as much two years ago, is it wrong of me to put nails directly into the wall to hang artwork without asking for permission?

First, sorry to hear about that brutal price hike. To answer your question: if you were to ask the ratbag part of me, I would say grab the hammer and belt a nail into that wall immediately (that is unless of course it’s asbestos, in which case absolutely not – worth checking that in Sydney). If you’re worried about losing ya bond or the possible punishment of a real estate agent clicking it at ya, you’ll need three things to get away with it undetected:

1. 1 small tub of Spakfilla or some wall gap filler
2. A small amount of 80-100 grit sandpaper
3. A $5 colour-matched sample tub of paint to hide the evidence when it’s inspection time

If you can’t be bothered piling on more anxiety in your world, then 3M-hook that frame up and pray it doesn’t take the paint with it when you pull it off.

I’m very lucky to have a pretty rad landlord that I could yarn to about these things, so I reckon if you also are in a similarly lucky spot (not holding out much hope with that price hike) I’d err on the side of a politely worded email saying something along the lines of, “Oi friendo, mind if I hang up a few pickies on the wall? Promise I’ll fill the holes and paint over them later.”

This bravery, either way, not only benefits you but paves the way for future art lovers alike.

But let’s get real, the first option is probably the go. I’m sure the extra 1000 bucks a month they’re pocketing can cover a few 3mm thick holes in the f---ing gyprock.

Best of luck at the hardware store.

Nat’s What I Reckon is a comedian, musician, mental author advocate and bestselling author.

The Sydney Comedy Festival runs from April 22 to May 19.