With Kamala Harris due to announce her vice presidential pick within days, the current US Veepstakes are a gift. Punters are welcome to cheer on as athletes hunt for gold at the Paris Games, but for us politics nerds, it’s even more exciting to watch Harris weighing up just which Democratic running mate might help her to victory in the presidential election.

So, am I the only one wondering what a rejection letter to key hopeful Senator Mark Kelly would possibly look like?

When looking at the contenders, there is a clear concern that some leading Democrats might scare the horses. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg (currently also running for the position of Most Articulate Person on the Planet) falls into this category, as does Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. A 2024 presidential ticket with a woman of colour and a gay man? Or two candidates with lady parts? Quick, pass the smelling salts, Wyoming just fainted!

With an estimated fortune of $US3.5 billion ($5.4 billion), Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker gets bonus points for annoying Trump by being the richest politician in the US. (I can hear Trump now: “He’s not the richest, I’m the richest”.) Despite US elections being, to adapt the words of investigative journalist Greg Palast, the best democracy money can buy, being too rich can work against you. (Just ask Michael Bloomberg, who spent $1 billion in 2020 on a presidential run and only managed to win the American Samoa caucus.) Having a billionaire on the ticket is not a good look during a cost-of-living crisis, making Pritzker a long shot, even though he brings a ready-made campaign slogan via the delightfully deranged motto of his family’s globally renowned architecture prize. The pseudo-profound motto, “Firmness, Commodity and Delight”, is engraved on every prizewinner’s medal and has the potential to be the best US presidential campaign slogan since “We Polked you in ’44, we shall Pierce you in ’52!”

Governor Gavin Newsom is very unlikely to be chosen, given that he and Harris are both from California, and it would be a tactical disaster. I’ve included him in my form guide purely so that I can rant. When speculation began to swirl that Biden was about to step aside, several well-respected political commentators from serious news outlets suddenly morphed into Marilyn Monroe breathily singing Happy Birthday, Mr President, as they purred that “Gavin Newsom certainly looks the part”.

Look, we all know that appearances matter. The MAGA camp certainly knows it; between Trump’s orange foundation and J.D. Vance’s guyliner, all they need to do is throw in a feather boa, and they’ll have the all-important Harry Styles voting bloc locked up.

But exactly which image of Gavin Newsom were you all looking at when you decided he looked presidential? The one where he and his ex-wife Kimberly Guilfoyle (who is now engaged to Donald Trump jnr) are sprawled out on a rug in Ann Getty’s mansion? Or the pandemic-era photos of him dining at luxurious restaurant The French Laundry, just when was discouraging other people from going out? You all need to take a good hard look at yourselves, or we’ll end up in a world where George Clooney is the next president and – oh wait. I get it now.