Telling someone you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI) can feel awkward and embarrassing, so many people just don't.

A recent review from the Journal of Sex Research found only about half of people disclosed, or believed they should disclose, an STI to a partner before having sex.

But having a conversation about STIs before connecting with someone sexually is an important part of consent practice, explains sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis, based in Melbourne/Naarm.

"[You should disclose] anytime you're wanting to connect sexually with somebody; that could be casual sex, it could be sex with a new partner after a couple of dates … also if you're in a long-term relationship or non-monogamous relationship."

While it might feel hard to share, Ms Mourikis says STIs are common, and removing the shame starts with realising "we all have an STI status".

How common are STIs in Australia?

One in six Australians will get an STI in their lifetime, says Family Planning Australia acting medical director Evonne Ong.

"STIs are much more common than most people realise, and the treatment and management processes of STIs may not be as complicated as you think."

The Kirby Institute found that STIs such as gonorrhoea, chlamydia and syphilis are common in Australia.

Dr Ong says if you test positive for an STI, it is important to tell your partner or partners so they can be checked and treated too.

"It is recommended to notify partners from around the last six months, although this can depend on the condition."

Dr Ong says more serious conditions such as HIV and syphilis are under surveillance by the Public Health Unit, and they will help patients with sensitive contact tracing.

She says STIs are usually treatable and manageable, but left undiagnosed and untreated, they can lead to long-term health issues such as chronic pelvic pain and reduced fertility.

"Other STIs can cause ongoing irritation and unpleasant symptoms that may keep coming back."

Many people worry having an STI means the end of their sex life, says Ms Mourikis, "but that is far from the truth".

"It's possible to navigate sex and experience pleasure, even with STIs, because a lot of folks have STIs."

'We all have an STI status'

Sharing you have an STI can feel vulnerable, Ms Mourikis says, as often there is a lot of shame around it.

"There is so much stigma that has come from the way we talk about STIs — the language that we use, the lack of understanding or empathy or curiosity or compassion that we have."

Removing some of the shame starts with realising we all have an STI status, she says.

"We assume if we are STI negative, we don't need to disclose anything.

Ms Mourikis says if you don't currently have an STI, you can still start a conversation about safer sex by sharing when you were last tested, for example.

Tips for telling someone you have an STI, including anonymously

Disclosing STIs gives people choice, and allows all parties to talk about how it can be navigated, Ms Mourikis says. Such as discussing using safety supplies like condoms and gloves.

There are many options when it comes to disclosing, such as including your STI status in your dating app bio, letting people know via text before you meet, talking about it on a first date, or before you are about to have sex.

"You might call, or do it via a voice memo — sometimes in person can be really hard," says Ms Mourikis.

She says some people might feel open enough to share early on, while others will wait until they have established a sense of connection and trust.

"Experimenting with what works best for you, will make it much easier over time.

"Part of disclosing can feel awkward or clunky, or you feel lost for words — that's OK. Because it's a stressful thing to talk about sometimes."

Dr Ong says the more honest and confident you are when talking about STIs and testing, the easier it will be for others to be mature about it.

You can also talk to your health professional for support and advice, Dr Ong says.

She says Family Planning Australia doctors and nurses can help patients anonymously inform past partners if needed.

"If this is the case, discussing alternate plans with a trusted health worker can be helpful."

There are also websites that help with anonymous notification, such as Let Them Know for people diagnosed with an STI, The Drama Down Under for men who have sex with men, and Better To Know for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.

Managing negative reactions

It can be hard to know how someone might react to your STI status, says Ms Mourikis.

"[You might get] 'That's cool, thanks for letting me know.' Or 'I'm glad you could tell me', or 'Oh cool, me too', or 'What considerations should we take to make this easier or more fun?'"

She says others might say they are not comfortable having sex, or make negative comments.

"Rejection is part of the process, and sometimes that is the reality of what happens.

"Usually it comes from somebody's lack of understanding or experience with STIs, or could come from their own shame.

"They might have an STI they have not yet got on board with or have a lot of grief around themselves."

Ms Mourikis says if someone responds in a non-supportive way, it's OK to feel hurt and set boundaries.

"Know you can leave a situation, you don't have to tolerate discrimination or disrespect.

"You also don't have to endure lots of questions that don't feel supportive or helpful."

Want to know more? Family Planning Australia's Frank website provides STI resources to help you manage conversations.