This week’s example of British brewery co-founder James Watt’s LinkedIn engagement announcement is proof of the site’s descent into absurdity. Watt, going for corporate humour, described his proposal to a raw dog food entrepreneur as a “long-term contractual arrangement poised for future growth”.

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Fun, but no cigar. The internet’s reaction was brutal. One X (formerly Twitter) user’s response – “LinkedIn is a disease” – summed up the general sentiment, with tens of thousands agreeing.

There was a time LinkedIn was a quiet corner of the internet for like-minded professionals to connect, learn, share insights. It was dignified, sometimes a bit dry, but it knew what it was. Now it’s an embarrassing melange of humblebrags and memes.

At least on Instagram, people own the performative self-promotion. You know they’re showing off. But on LinkedIn, it’s like we’re supposed to take it seriously. The earnestness is hilarious. Somehow, even that bloke from school who you’re pretty sure still lives with his parents is now a “visionary” in supply chain management.

It doesn’t stop at grandiose job titles. LinkedIn has become a breeding ground for inspirational stories with moral arcs worthy of a Greek tragedy or The Voice. You know the ones: “Ten years ago, I was broke, living in my car and had never even heard of digital marketing or spiritual awakenings. But today? I closed my 15th seven-figure deal.”

And there’s always a gee-up line at the end: “If I can do it, so can you.” Well, thank you for the enlightenment! I’ll start my multimillion-dollar hustle journey now. Right after I finish scrolling through LinkedIn’s “rise and grind” motivational brigade and bait posts asking your secret to success: “I’ll go first.”

Worse, it appears LinkedIn has been mistaken by some as a quasi dating platform, with allegations Australian billionaire Richard White – dubbed the “LinkedIn Lecher” – used it to send inappropriate messages to women.

LinkedIn has evolved into a virtual stage where everyone’s vying for applause with news that would normally go straight to your junk folder, and we have to encourage it or look churlish. We scroll, watching people act like they’re the protagonist of a business epic instead of organising an offsite meeting.

Anyway. I hope this hasn’t burst your bubble, James. Congrats on that dazzling ring and fiancee. Just next time take it offline, mate. Getting hitched has nothing to do with business, until the divorce.

Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.

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