PLEASE.

As for Johnson going so far as to call Cummins “gutless”, for not bowing to the diktats of the former players, the incumbent captain would have every right to be so furious he could barely raise spit.

But did Cummins’ statement express any of that fury he has every right to, and surely does feel?

Not really. Just the barest of wisps. Fortunately, I speak fluent will-o’-the-wisps, and am happy to add what Cummins left out.

Try this.

“There has been much public comment since Justin Langer’s resignation as the coach of the Australian cricket team,” Cummins began. (I mean, is there anybody in the country whoever wore the baggy green who has NOT felt free to have a go at us?) “For good reason, I haven’t made public comment before today. (That reason being, you mongrels have me at a disadvantage. By getting me into the gutter with ‘gutless’, you would deny Langer himself the last chance he had of leaving on his own terms. At what level could I engage with that? I am the Australian captain, and we don’t trade schoolyard taunts in the press.)

“To speak about a decision, which was yet to be made and which is for Cricket Australia to make, would have put Cricket Australia and the team in an impossible position. (And it really would have. When you get called ‘gutless’ for gently indicating the team’s view, what the hell would you have said if we gave it to you unvarnished?)

“I’d never do that. I believe in respecting the sanctity of the change room and proper process. (A pity you blokes don’t!)

“Now that a decision has been made by Justin to resign, and given his own public comments and others by Cricket Australia, I can provide some clarity.

“Justin has acknowledged that his style was intense. And it was . . . (Seriously, you have no idea. Call us crazy, but some of us want to have our Vegemite on toast every morning in rough silence. You can’t dislike the bloke because he’s so sincere, but it was just too much. As you bastards well KNOW!)

“On behalf of the players, I thank Justin. More than that, we owe him a lot and Justin will be a welcome face in the change room in the future. (See? Is this really so hard? We might be gilding the lily a little, but it has to be better than all the nastiness you put abroad. How dare you presume to speak for a team you are no longer part of. Seriously, would you have copped it in your day? Of course not. Well, neither are we. So get nicked! But at least WE can see the big picture here, and are trying to cool things around Langer. You could try it.)

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“Many former players have reached out to me and silently offered me their advice, which is welcome. (They think you’re off the mark, too. Did I mention ‘getting nicked’? Oh. Well give yourself another helping. Get nicked!)

“To all past players, I want to say this — just as you have always stuck up for your mates, I’m sticking up for mine. (The difference is, we are the incumbents. In the battle for what should be happening with the current team, we win. And we will be some time in getting over the outrage that you thought you could, and should, express. Don’t ever darken our towels again. Good day to you, I-said-good-day!)