Where is the bright spark from Sydney’s beaches running for parliament under the banner of “Save Men’s Sport”?

There is someone running to “Save Women’s Sport”, under the protection of a male prime minister’s so-called “captain’s pick”. (In what sport is there even such a thing as a “captain’s pick”? Mountaineering?) There is a beautiful Orwellian language game tucked inside the concept of a man using such an unsporting notion as a “captain’s pick” to choose a woman to save women’s sport on the basis that men are so much better at everything.

“Save Women’s Sport” might as easily be called “Save Men’s Egos”. I checked the website, in a low moment, and I have never felt better about being a “biological man”. Here I was thinking I was decrepit, wheezy and foggy-brained, when on the “Save Women’s Sport” website I discovered that I am, in fact, faster, taller and stronger than any woman; I have a bigger heart and lungs; I have lower body fat and greater “explosive power”; and I have higher haemoglobin levels, more muscle and bigger bones than a “biological woman”.

What chance does she have against me? In fact, if any man still harbours doubts of his biological superiority, all he needs to restore his old pep is a trip to the “Is This Fair?” section of this website devoted to saving women’s sport. My parents really were blessed to have me, with all my muscles, haemoglobin, testosterone and whatnot, instead of a girl.

Which is the perfect springboard for the yet-to-exist website devoted to saving men’s sport.

The first thing men’s sport needs to be saved from is women attempting to transition into our space. On the cricket field, men are under extreme threat. Recently, an Australian women’s team who dared to claim full-time professional payment went on to win a World Cup, attracting such media attention and community excitement as to threaten men’s cricket’s place as Australia’s favourite sport. By smacking sixes not just over the rope but over the fence, by ripping leg-spinners at angles not seen since Shane Warne’s time, by leaping horizontally to pluck one-handed catches, these women are transitioning into biologically male territory. Next thing you know, they’ll be asking for contracts worth as much as 50 per cent of the men’s and their broadcasts will rate higher than a men’s ODI series. Boys and men need the government to protect them from this unfairness.

Men’s sport is facing a terrible injustice in the area of coaching. As Pam Shriver has been the most recent to testify, true excellence in sport depends on men coaching young people to reach their potential. Only a man can be relied on to tell a young girl she is too fat, too unattractive, too weak, too girl-like to succeed; only a man can motivate that young girl to be the best in the world. Only a man can be a King Richard and institute a breeding program to fill a trophy cabinet.