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Posted: 2023-03-23 00:50:00

Of its star-studded cast, only two, Bryan Brown and a kangaroo, actually boast of being Australian. (I am told the kangaroo, named Sydney, understandably suffered a breakdown after the filming of the first scenes and was discharged from further duty.)

Barbara Stanwyck dressed for the outback as Mary Carson.

Barbara Stanwyck dressed for the outback as Mary Carson.Credit:Warner Bros. Television

On the incomplete evidence of a one-hour preview of the series shown at the Australian embassy here last night, I am able to report not the slightest hint of an Australian accent. The makers apparently decided that, since most of the characters in the novel are Irish or of Irish descent, stage Irish accents with a bit of upper-crust English and an occasional lapse into American thrown in, would suit their purpose quite adequately. Given past American attempts to talk Strine, this was probably wise.

Less forgivable is the California version of ‘Drogheda’ homestead. It’s impressive, but it looks like a cross between Windsor Castle and Como House, with sumptuous interiors complete with chandeliers. The landscape scenes are OK, apart from the absence of gum trees.

As for the drama itself, well, you’ve read ‘The Thorn Birds’. Richard Chamberlain remains indecently presentable for a man of his years, and maintains a commendably straight face in his role as the priest torn between his love of God and his love for an exceedingly toothsome young woman, played by Rachel Ward.

Jean Simmons (remember Jean Simmons?) gives a fine impersonation of Jean Simmons, and Barbara Stanwyck does her best to be credible as the aged matriarch who has to cope with a script which obliges her to tell Father Chamberlain: “I have always loved you ... inside this stupid body I am still young, and I still want you.”

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Mind you, Miss Stanwyck makes a suspect corpse: the camera lingers on her breathing heartily some time after she is supposed to have given up the ghost.

We didn’t get to see Bryan Brown in the preview. He does apparently inject a bit of genuine Strine into the dialogue. Nor did we see Christopher Plummer, though I suspect his role as an archbishop must be an exceedingly well-paid embarrassment to a fine Shakespearian actor.

Still, that’s TV — or, rather, that’s American network TV mini-series: some nice scenery, a spot of illicit lust, a big name cast, and to hell with reality. By this standard, ‘The Thorn Birds’ is highly professional and will doubtless do very nicely on the ratings.

Fellow Australians, however, are likely to agree with Robert Hughes’s unkind observation in ‘Time’ magazine that ‘The Thorn Birds’ is as long as a snake’s liver and as slow as a stunned mullet.

Still, we should all be grateful that they chose ‘The Thorn Birds’. If anyone tells them about ‘For the Term of His Natural Life’, they’ll set it in Alcatraz, starring Mickey Rooney.

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